Several times in the last few months I've had this approximate exchange with someone I didn't know, about Maia:
Person: "How old is she?"
Me: "Two and a half. She'll be three in January."
Person: "Is she in day care?"
Me: "No."
Person: "She's so outgoing and social! I thought for sure she was in day care."
I'm not exaggerating--the leap from the age topic to the day care topic really is usually that quick. It's usually coming from an older (a few decades older than me) woman, and I'll guess it's happened to me about three or four times recently. It's an interesting experience to go through, because there are so many social and cultural assumptions built into this brief exchange between strangers.
Personally, I'd tend to ascribe "outgoing and social" to Maia's own unique personality, and how she's feeling on a particular day. I'd never think to assign it to her care situation (and I'd never think to do that with another child), but this clearly is something that other people do frequently enough that I've heard it more than once. About 75% of the time, she'll be very deliberate about talking to other kids, asking questions of other people, ordering her own food at restaurants, etc. Earlier this week, though, she wasn't up for all that, and so she told me "I'm being shy today" and was quieter and more cuddly when we were out in public. It's just how she was feeling that day.
In the post before this one, I referenced my fondness for psychological research, and, as far as I'm aware, there's no definitive research that supports this notion that a child's work-week care situation would dictate his or her personality so directly. (I'm leaving out, of course, issues of abuse and neglect. I'm talking about positive care situations, home vs. day care.) Perhaps there's something that I'm missing . . . ? I've not come across it yet. The accumulated research that I'm aware of basically says "There are small pluses and minuses to all situations, and no conclusive absolutes." (Here's a link to a study that's typical of what I've read.)
I'm not offended or bothered by these brief interactions with strangers, but I am curious about the underlying roots of the assumptions. I know that they are well-meaning, and I know that their kind words about Maia's awesomeness (a bit of bias there!) are coming from a thoughtful place. It's the leap to this apparent "Day care = social skills!" logic that piques my interest.
4 comments:
I think it's a sign of the times (people no longer look down on folks whose kids are in daycare, at least in our town!), and one of those things that feels true to people even if it's not really based in fact. I know I find myself wondering if Sylvie's daycare situation has led to this or that personality characteristic. Even if I've no real reason to believe it's had any measurable impact!
I completely agree with the "sign of the times" idea. When Maia was younger, I heard similar observations (again, from strangers) about her baby behavior that seemed to imply that she was a social, mellow baby because she was NOT in day care. It definitely goes both ways, and I'd imagine that parents experience this phenomenon no matter what decision they've made about day care.
It's a fascinating thing . . .
Yeah, she's in day care; Nannie and me, two days a week. Hah! It's all part of our plan--we need to make up for our mistakes with the sisters.
Seriously, I don't think the short-term workday care arrangements and preschool experiences made too much of a difference a generation ago. If it were ten hours/day, six days a week--maybe bigger impact.
I'm just delighted to be able to spend time with her. It ranks up there with a limited range of my experiences: an occasional afternoon sailing, an occasional moment or hour with Dawn, an occasional lunch or visit to a lifelong friend.
Last week, a classic. We set out for a walk in the woods: "We're going exploring in the woods with our backpacks and water bottles!" she sang, as we prepared. It's a couple hours I'll treasure.
I think that this assumption about the positive social effect of daycare has to do with how we're sold daycare, culturally.
A person has to assume there are positive effects of this very unusual arrangement of giving up the care of one's child to paid strangers for X hours per day, five days a week. I think that in the same way that our culture sells the positive effect of public schooling as "socialization," it sells that effect for daycare. We need something to calm our mind from letting go of our child's hands into the extended time with strangers that is financially necessary for so many families. We would change our lives if we let ourselves think, "sending little Carla to daycare is having a negative impact on her life."
When I was a preschool teacher, not one parent ever tried to sit down and learn about me or befriend me or have lunch. They didn't have the time for that, certainly not with all the preschool adults in that setting. I was a total stranger to them, yet they had to trust me with raising their children. I can't imagine that wouldn't require intense rationalizations on a parent's part. Socialization seems the popular choice.
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