Ten years

We were driving through Ann Arbor this morning, just looking at the buildings and watching the students cross the street in front of us, and I realized that it was ten years ago this week, I think, that I turned in my senior honors thesis. That was the last significant step, really, on the path towards getting my undergrad degree. Here's an article from the Michigan Daily from ten years ago that focused on another thing I was up to that February. Ah, memories.

It's weird to think back to that point in time, and to reflect upon how many twists and turns I've taken on the road to get to where I am at this moment. Here's just a partial list:

• Started a Ph.D. program in literature.
• Left said program after a year.
• Met, dated, and married Brian.
• Lived in five different towns: Bloomington, IN, and East Lansing, Birmingham, Ferndale, and Ann Arbor, MI.
• Got a Teaching Certificate from the State of Michigan.
• Full-time or substitute taught in six Michigan public school districts.
  
• Gave birth to our daughter.
• Started a Master's Degree in Education.
  
• Left the full-time work force in order to spend the days raising our daughter.
• Was present for the birth of seven other babies, besides Maia.
• Taught hundreds of adults in Childbirth Preparation classes.

Just thinking about that list makes my head spin a bit. Ten years ago, at age 22 (!), I thought of myself as a somewhat inflexible person, a "planner" for whom the word "change" was scary and intimidating. At this point, though, in February 2009, I would say that my adaptability and flexibility are two of the personal qualities of which I am most proud. Perhaps that's because I know how much focused effort has been spent on getting here. It's really been a sea change in who I am.

All of this pondering grows out of a thought that popped into my head this morning, just after the "ten years ago! Argh!" thought: I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up! It wasn't a comforting thing, at first, but I'm trying to feel at home with it now. I used to make decisions about the future based (at least in part) on a fear of the unknown, but in the last few years I've adopted this as one of my favorite mantras: "Choices made primarily out of fear are not truly choices." (As I put that into text here, I'm starting to find ways to debunk and argue with it--yet another of my long-standing personal tendencies. Let it be.)

The fact of the matter is this: I certainly have difficult days, days in which I wish I had a bit more certainty. But they are few and pretty far between. I am comfortable and at peace with riding the waves as they come, with not knowing precisely what's around the corner. Ten years from now I'll still be Maia's mama and Brian's wife, my family will still be my family, and that's about all I'm sure of. And you know what? In this moment, that uncertainty feels just fine. :)